"Everyone comes into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."
-- Not sure who it's by, but one of my Aunties told me this
After a few days of what seems like a roller coaster in my life, I have come to some new realizations in my life. One of the foremost (and obvious) conclusions I have drawn is that nobody will every have identical morals and grounds for behavior. No matter how similar personalities are, who you were raised by, what you do, or where you live, each moral compass is different. Now, I'm not saying that any one moral compass is superior to another, but some do carry stark realities and grave consequences. Part of the beauty of friendship is the ability to value (or at the very least respect) the decisions and behaviors of another. After all, life experience, successes, failures, and instilled values are all what shape actions, thoughts, and reactions from us. As time goes on, we change and so do our perspectives and moral compasses as well.
It's also safe to say that I've learned that the majority of people you encounter in your life, are there for a reason. These are the people you go out with, maybe see a movie with, watch sports with, and maybe share a meal or two. You know, the friend of a friend. These are aquaintences that serve a very minor purpose in your life-- proximity and timing are all key for this relationship to sustain. These people teach us what we do value in friendships and how to esablish (or not establish) who we trust.
Then there are those that you are close to more out of convenience or circumstance than anything else... the people that you do all of the above with, but who you also call when you are having a bad day and need cheering up. Or when you have to go to an event and need moral support. People that you truly value and care about, but that might not be there forever-- they are there in passing...for a season, if you will.
Then there are those that are truly close to your heart. Friendships that we establish in life that create a bond that is not easily broken. They are the ones that truly help mold us as people... they teach us understanding, tolerance, forgiveness, and unconditional love. Unfortunately, these are the people that often times face the toughest criticism from us. These are the relationships that are fleeting and take but a moment to establish. These relationships take a lot of time and effort to maintain, much like a delicate flower. If we continue to feed, water, groom, and ensure proper sunlight, they blossom into something strong and beautiful. People that step into our life for a lifetime are the ones that deserve our utmost attention. The beauty of these friendships is, once they are planted, even if we forget to water them once in a while, they can still survive and flourish. It's when we neglect their needs for a prolonged period of time that they start to suffer irrevokable damage. Sure, maintaining these friendships takes a lot of time and effort, but the reward is well worth it.
In essence, I have learned to put far more time into fostering the few relationships that fall into the "lifetime" category. And while it's unfortunate, part of growing up is realizing that everyone can't fit into this part of our lives... and it is completely possible for a friendship to grow as well as grow apart. And that's ok too. Cultivating quality over quantity becomes essential as our lives get busier and our days get shorter. Now I'm not saying to push everyone away or to not be friendly with people, but knowing where to focus energy and how much time to devote to each friendship creates and entirely new dynamic to maintaining good relationships regardless of which category they fall into-- a reason, season, or lifetime. Weeding out and maintaining this garden can be painful at times, there are several thorns to watch out for, but with happy, healthy, thoughtful relationships, a single flower has more beauty than a football field of weeds.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
A Story You May Have Gotten
A philosophy professor stood before his class with some items on the table in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
...They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the counter and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full.
...They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full.
They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "Yes."
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the counter and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter - like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life.
If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out dancing.
There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
Thursday, May 6, 2010
For Better or Worse
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.
I came across this Indian proverb while surfing the internet. This is something I truly understood last year. Everyone throws around proverbs left and right without meaning, this one is different. In talking to friends and family on a daily basis, it seems as though we all have something or another to complain about-- something is going wrong, someone did something wrong, things didn't happen the way we expected them to, etc.
One of the best lessons I have ever learned in my life is summed up by this Indian proverb. We often times look to other people's lives and envy certain aspects. In doing so, we tend to only see the people that are better off; however, there is always someone worse off. In the bigger scheme of life, most of our problems are so minor compared to others. When going through tough times and crying about our lack of shoes (which ironically, I happen to have plenty of pairs of), we should look to the one that has no feet. Learning to change our way of thinking can dramatically increase our optimism in life.
Now, whenever I go through a rough time, I make it a point to remember all the good I do have and how lucky I am to have the problems I have, rather than the problems that other people have. There's another saying which goes along those lines: Most people wouldn't trade their problems with others'. It's because deep down we know that our suffering might not be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes we just need a gentle reminder that there are people that would be lucky to have our problems and start feeling the same.
I came across this Indian proverb while surfing the internet. This is something I truly understood last year. Everyone throws around proverbs left and right without meaning, this one is different. In talking to friends and family on a daily basis, it seems as though we all have something or another to complain about-- something is going wrong, someone did something wrong, things didn't happen the way we expected them to, etc.
One of the best lessons I have ever learned in my life is summed up by this Indian proverb. We often times look to other people's lives and envy certain aspects. In doing so, we tend to only see the people that are better off; however, there is always someone worse off. In the bigger scheme of life, most of our problems are so minor compared to others. When going through tough times and crying about our lack of shoes (which ironically, I happen to have plenty of pairs of), we should look to the one that has no feet. Learning to change our way of thinking can dramatically increase our optimism in life.
Now, whenever I go through a rough time, I make it a point to remember all the good I do have and how lucky I am to have the problems I have, rather than the problems that other people have. There's another saying which goes along those lines: Most people wouldn't trade their problems with others'. It's because deep down we know that our suffering might not be the worst thing in the world. Sometimes we just need a gentle reminder that there are people that would be lucky to have our problems and start feeling the same.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Soulmate Qualities
Is it possible that there is only one person out there for each of us? Is each person born with only one soulmate? If so, can we always be assured we will find that one person out of 5.97 billion people that we are meant to be with?
I was talking to a friend of mine to define in verbal parameters what exactly a soulmate is, and she defined it as "the one person your find the most happiness with, and don't feel a void". After careful thought, I then proceeded to ask her how we can be assured of this when there is no way we can possibly know what it's like to be with anyone else. She replied, "Because that one person that you are with, you don't wonder if you could've been happier with someone else".
As I thought about this, I realized that choosing someone to be your soulmate is exactly that... a choice. When you make that committment to be with someone and build a life with them, you are essentially picking the one person that you feel has it all. Now what my definition of happiness is certainly differs from the next, but that's what makes everyone unique. We are all looking for Mr. or Mrs. "Right", and yet so many people don't find them. It's not because they are not "destined" to their happlily ever after, but more so because they have not made a choice to commit to somebody. And according to my friend's definition, they have not found anybody that can make them stop wondering if it gets better.
As we continue through life and continue to grow and flourish, it is obvious that needs and wants change through wisdom, experience, and maturity. So not only do definitions of soulmates differ from person to person, but also over time within each individual. What I looked for five years ago in a soulmate is by far a 180 from what I now find as "soulmate" qualities. Eventually destiny takes its course, and things reveal themselves in due time. In the meantime, what is your definition of a soulmate? Who is that one perfect person for you in this world? Have you found him/her yet? What defines your happiness? If defining one simple word is so difficult, I can't imagine how hard Webster had it.
I was talking to a friend of mine to define in verbal parameters what exactly a soulmate is, and she defined it as "the one person your find the most happiness with, and don't feel a void". After careful thought, I then proceeded to ask her how we can be assured of this when there is no way we can possibly know what it's like to be with anyone else. She replied, "Because that one person that you are with, you don't wonder if you could've been happier with someone else".
As I thought about this, I realized that choosing someone to be your soulmate is exactly that... a choice. When you make that committment to be with someone and build a life with them, you are essentially picking the one person that you feel has it all. Now what my definition of happiness is certainly differs from the next, but that's what makes everyone unique. We are all looking for Mr. or Mrs. "Right", and yet so many people don't find them. It's not because they are not "destined" to their happlily ever after, but more so because they have not made a choice to commit to somebody. And according to my friend's definition, they have not found anybody that can make them stop wondering if it gets better.
As we continue through life and continue to grow and flourish, it is obvious that needs and wants change through wisdom, experience, and maturity. So not only do definitions of soulmates differ from person to person, but also over time within each individual. What I looked for five years ago in a soulmate is by far a 180 from what I now find as "soulmate" qualities. Eventually destiny takes its course, and things reveal themselves in due time. In the meantime, what is your definition of a soulmate? Who is that one perfect person for you in this world? Have you found him/her yet? What defines your happiness? If defining one simple word is so difficult, I can't imagine how hard Webster had it.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A Game of Cards
Life is like a game of cards. The hand that is dealt you represents determinism; the way you play it is free will.
-Jawaharal Nehru
(side note: Determinism is the belief that everything has an antecedent cause.)
After reading this quote, I can't help but think back to all of those little "life lessons" that mom and dad teach you. You know, the ones where you roll your eyes and laugh at when they aren't there-- You're playing a board game with your sister and your mom reminds you "Cheaters never win" (And all you can think is, "Um, of course they do-- that's why people cheat!") or your dad tells you "Do it right and do it right the first time" and you snicker associating his reluctance to repeat things with him not wanting to waste valuable time. Or even the ones you have no idea what they mean at the time-- "The world is your oyster" and you think, "I don't even LIKE seafood!" or "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and you spin your finger by your ear going "Craaazzzyyy... they're so old and senile, they can't even remember that we don't have any animals!".
As we all get older, I'm sure it's safe to assume that we have found that more than one of these euphemisms have proven true. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure my mom and dad tried to add a few extra proverbs over the years so they could get more satisfaction when you realize they were right. You have to give it to them though, parents definitely had the patience thing down... my parents waited years to hear "You were right". But as I get old enough to admit my mistakes, I also realize that maybe they didn't just want to say "I told you so". My parents taught me all of these "little, useless" life lessons, not so they could tell me how wise they were back then (although I think that's an added perk), but also so that I might occasionally put one of them into practice as I travel down life's path.
Just like everyone else, I've had a crack or two in my stroll through life. Although challenging at times, I have always been able to recover. Looking back on everything I have accomplished and everything that I didn't, I can definitely say those "useless" life lessons have come into play more than once. Never could I have imagined that world really was my oyster and I would be out in this big world, but here I am. Sometimes, we don't have control of what happens to us, but the way we use those experiences is up to us. Our free will is what determines the boundaries by which we evaluate our circumstances. It allows us to control our reaction when destiny has determined our cards.
My mom just told me today, "Every decision has a consequence, be it good, bad, or neutral." And when we have regrets, it's because we decided on the wrong cards to play. And we all make bad choices and play the wrong hand every now and then, but the trick is to improve the art of playing properly so that when we have kids, we don't ever miss the opportunity to say "I told you so!"... and maybe so that our kids will also learn how to play the game of life properly.
-Jawaharal Nehru
(side note: Determinism is the belief that everything has an antecedent cause.)
After reading this quote, I can't help but think back to all of those little "life lessons" that mom and dad teach you. You know, the ones where you roll your eyes and laugh at when they aren't there-- You're playing a board game with your sister and your mom reminds you "Cheaters never win" (And all you can think is, "Um, of course they do-- that's why people cheat!") or your dad tells you "Do it right and do it right the first time" and you snicker associating his reluctance to repeat things with him not wanting to waste valuable time. Or even the ones you have no idea what they mean at the time-- "The world is your oyster" and you think, "I don't even LIKE seafood!" or "Don't count your chickens before they hatch" and you spin your finger by your ear going "Craaazzzyyy... they're so old and senile, they can't even remember that we don't have any animals!".
As we all get older, I'm sure it's safe to assume that we have found that more than one of these euphemisms have proven true. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure my mom and dad tried to add a few extra proverbs over the years so they could get more satisfaction when you realize they were right. You have to give it to them though, parents definitely had the patience thing down... my parents waited years to hear "You were right". But as I get old enough to admit my mistakes, I also realize that maybe they didn't just want to say "I told you so". My parents taught me all of these "little, useless" life lessons, not so they could tell me how wise they were back then (although I think that's an added perk), but also so that I might occasionally put one of them into practice as I travel down life's path.
Just like everyone else, I've had a crack or two in my stroll through life. Although challenging at times, I have always been able to recover. Looking back on everything I have accomplished and everything that I didn't, I can definitely say those "useless" life lessons have come into play more than once. Never could I have imagined that world really was my oyster and I would be out in this big world, but here I am. Sometimes, we don't have control of what happens to us, but the way we use those experiences is up to us. Our free will is what determines the boundaries by which we evaluate our circumstances. It allows us to control our reaction when destiny has determined our cards.
My mom just told me today, "Every decision has a consequence, be it good, bad, or neutral." And when we have regrets, it's because we decided on the wrong cards to play. And we all make bad choices and play the wrong hand every now and then, but the trick is to improve the art of playing properly so that when we have kids, we don't ever miss the opportunity to say "I told you so!"... and maybe so that our kids will also learn how to play the game of life properly.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Shining, Shimmering, Splendid
I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?
Those are famous lyrics from one of the best-known Disney films, Aladdin. How touching such simple words intended for children can be. These words not only showcase the idea of pure love, but they also show the rose colored glasses through which we see the world with our prince charming next to us.
Are our eyes closed until someone opens them up for us? Is it naive to see the world this way? Can we really feel so safe and so content with that one special person next to us that even in all the ugliness the world has, that we can really describe it as "shining, shimmering, and splendid"? Does love really blind us so much that we choose to see the good rather than the bad?
There is so much beauty behind the end of that verse: "Tell me princess, when did you last let your heart decide?" In today's day and age, it seems that love is dictated by logic and reason. We allow ourselves or convince ourselves to fall in love or hold back from certain people because it is not "right".
It is rare that we allow difficult decisions to be decided by our hearts, mostly out of fear. Our hearts always decide with our emotions while our heads rely on logic and reasoning. And even after that entire process, how many times have we looked back and realized that we made the wrong decision? Maybe it is time to start trusting ourselves and allowing our intuition to speak freely, rather than hushing it with our rationale.
Most of the time, our intuition will guide us to the right decision; we just need to be willing to allow our hearts to tell us what’s right for us. So maybe it is time for us to really listen to our hearts when making decisions about life and love. We need to have faith in our instinctive ability to protect ourselves from pain and loss. Our fear of getting hurt paralyzes us from taking leaps of faith that could prove to be rewarding. So is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Of course it is, because that means letting your heart decide.
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
You last let your heart decide?
Those are famous lyrics from one of the best-known Disney films, Aladdin. How touching such simple words intended for children can be. These words not only showcase the idea of pure love, but they also show the rose colored glasses through which we see the world with our prince charming next to us.
Are our eyes closed until someone opens them up for us? Is it naive to see the world this way? Can we really feel so safe and so content with that one special person next to us that even in all the ugliness the world has, that we can really describe it as "shining, shimmering, and splendid"? Does love really blind us so much that we choose to see the good rather than the bad?
There is so much beauty behind the end of that verse: "Tell me princess, when did you last let your heart decide?" In today's day and age, it seems that love is dictated by logic and reason. We allow ourselves or convince ourselves to fall in love or hold back from certain people because it is not "right".
It is rare that we allow difficult decisions to be decided by our hearts, mostly out of fear. Our hearts always decide with our emotions while our heads rely on logic and reasoning. And even after that entire process, how many times have we looked back and realized that we made the wrong decision? Maybe it is time to start trusting ourselves and allowing our intuition to speak freely, rather than hushing it with our rationale.
Most of the time, our intuition will guide us to the right decision; we just need to be willing to allow our hearts to tell us what’s right for us. So maybe it is time for us to really listen to our hearts when making decisions about life and love. We need to have faith in our instinctive ability to protect ourselves from pain and loss. Our fear of getting hurt paralyzes us from taking leaps of faith that could prove to be rewarding. So is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? Of course it is, because that means letting your heart decide.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
How Rich Are You?
They say, “Money can’t buy happiness”. Maybe a more applicable statement is “You are truly rich when you have something money cannot buy”. As the eldest daughter of parents who emigrated from India, the value of a dollar is no stranger to me. Growing up, like many first generation families, I am certain our current financial stability eluded us. However, looking back on my childhood, would I say I was poor? Absolutely not. I can legitimately argue I was one of the richest kids in the world and still am.
Life has taken its course and moved my family and I swiftly through time. Nearly thirty years after moving to this country, my parents have made a quite comfortable life for themselves, my sister, and I. Are we multimillionaires? By no means. Are we rich? Definitely.
I have learned during my short 23 years of life that I am one of the lucky few people to have it all. I grew up in a house with a dedicated mother and a doting father. Not only did my parents love my sister and I unconditionally, but also they loved each other as if out of a fairytale. My sister and I never felt a lack of love or compassion. We received utmost care and attention from not one, but both of our parents. I cannot even begin to explain what incredible luck this is, but I can tell you how profoundly this has affected my life recently.
In the last year, I have faced several “tragedies” that, as an understatement, tested my character as well as the character of those around me. Now I use quotation marks when discussing these turn of events because “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”. At this point in life, it is obvious, but often forgotten that there is always somebody better off and always somebody worse off. Therefore, I believe “tragedy” is a very relative term.
Have I been through difficult times? Sure. Is it the worst thing in the world? No. All too often, we wallow in our sorrow about the mistake we made at work, or the inability to possess material wealth, or we complain about a fight with our family, etc. This almost comes naturally to us, yet how often do we stop to think how lucky we truly are? For the person who complains about family--- some people would give everything to have a sister to fight with; for those that complain about work--- several people just wish they had a job; and those that complain about frivolous materials--- how many starving children are there in the world?
It was only after I thought I had lost everything that I really discovered how much I have. During some of the most pressing times in my life, not only did I have the love and support from my family, I had some of the most incredible angels step into my life. The friends I have are inarguably invaluable, but I am lucky enough to be worthy of their friendship. When we go through some of the most difficult times in life, true characteristics of a person really shine through.
Many people who are ‘friends’ suddenly disappear or have an unwarranted opinion on the situation. I just smile and continue with what I know to be right. Why? Because, those people played their part in my life, and through tragedy, it is time for them to exit. All the time I spend dwelling on what they are saying are precious moments wasted that could have been focused on the amazing people that surrounded me when I really needed them, and even when I thought I didn’t. The people who are still my current support system have shown me that they are truly worthy of being praised as invaluable. That is what makes me rich.
Sure, I might not have extravagant cars or materials, but I have incredible wealth. I live very comfortably compared to the majority of the world. I never go hungry, I have a roof over my head, and I have clothes on my back. Money comes and goes (mostly goes), but some things you just can’t put a price on. Those are the things I am fortunate to have in great abundance. So, I pose this question to you: How rich are you?
Life has taken its course and moved my family and I swiftly through time. Nearly thirty years after moving to this country, my parents have made a quite comfortable life for themselves, my sister, and I. Are we multimillionaires? By no means. Are we rich? Definitely.
I have learned during my short 23 years of life that I am one of the lucky few people to have it all. I grew up in a house with a dedicated mother and a doting father. Not only did my parents love my sister and I unconditionally, but also they loved each other as if out of a fairytale. My sister and I never felt a lack of love or compassion. We received utmost care and attention from not one, but both of our parents. I cannot even begin to explain what incredible luck this is, but I can tell you how profoundly this has affected my life recently.
In the last year, I have faced several “tragedies” that, as an understatement, tested my character as well as the character of those around me. Now I use quotation marks when discussing these turn of events because “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”. At this point in life, it is obvious, but often forgotten that there is always somebody better off and always somebody worse off. Therefore, I believe “tragedy” is a very relative term.
Have I been through difficult times? Sure. Is it the worst thing in the world? No. All too often, we wallow in our sorrow about the mistake we made at work, or the inability to possess material wealth, or we complain about a fight with our family, etc. This almost comes naturally to us, yet how often do we stop to think how lucky we truly are? For the person who complains about family--- some people would give everything to have a sister to fight with; for those that complain about work--- several people just wish they had a job; and those that complain about frivolous materials--- how many starving children are there in the world?
It was only after I thought I had lost everything that I really discovered how much I have. During some of the most pressing times in my life, not only did I have the love and support from my family, I had some of the most incredible angels step into my life. The friends I have are inarguably invaluable, but I am lucky enough to be worthy of their friendship. When we go through some of the most difficult times in life, true characteristics of a person really shine through.
Many people who are ‘friends’ suddenly disappear or have an unwarranted opinion on the situation. I just smile and continue with what I know to be right. Why? Because, those people played their part in my life, and through tragedy, it is time for them to exit. All the time I spend dwelling on what they are saying are precious moments wasted that could have been focused on the amazing people that surrounded me when I really needed them, and even when I thought I didn’t. The people who are still my current support system have shown me that they are truly worthy of being praised as invaluable. That is what makes me rich.
Sure, I might not have extravagant cars or materials, but I have incredible wealth. I live very comfortably compared to the majority of the world. I never go hungry, I have a roof over my head, and I have clothes on my back. Money comes and goes (mostly goes), but some things you just can’t put a price on. Those are the things I am fortunate to have in great abundance. So, I pose this question to you: How rich are you?
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